LET ME WARN, THIS POST IS GONNA BE ULTRA LONG

all too soon, he was gone.
before i even knew it.
i'm gonna feel the full effect in cell tmr.
it's gonna be different.
so very different.
no more guitar songs and especially the song "love, me" (:
no more taboo.
no more wonderful sharings by him.
cos he's gone.
i never got a chance to tell yong bin how much i appreciate him.
cos i always thought he'd be around.
charlene and i are kinda dazed.
michelle cried. i feel sad for her.
and i really mean it when i said so far, he's been my best leader.
cos he made an effort to make cell so very fun and interesting.
i have so many regrets right now.
char (lene) and i reflected on our way home.
we've gotta come out of this whole cycle of living in e past and regretting everything.
my whole life, i've been living in the past, in my own world, always regretting when its too late.
mummy always told me to treaure the present. not to complain.
living in reality is just too tough?
like my current life. a total BIG mess. which i know only heavenly Father can help me out of.
been rushing around this whole week, not taking much time for quiet time.
and im just so sapped. so tired. today finally, i sat down with God.
sat quietly and waited on Him. and i felt so refreshed.
i've come to realise how much we all need abba Father so much. how i depend on Him.
i've learnt to run to Him immediately when everything flops. and i just feel so thankful i have abba Father to depend on. He never fails.
my best friend, my everything.

felt kinda happy in macs today.
my 3 childhood friends with me at the table. just the 4 of us.
it felt like sparklight once more.
i felt so contented i don't know why.
i was just so happy, even tho sad about yb.
i guess none of us had felt the shock yet.
it seemed like just yesterday that rachel wrote in her blog about ten weeks to his departure.
when we celebrated his 21st. when we beat e guys at taboo.

i felt so numb seeing YOU.
YOU seemed so distant, so unreal.
a stranger.
and then, i realised. YOU are a stranger.
thanks for making promises YOU know can never be fulfilled.
i do not believe i could stil feel for YOU even though u looked... horrendous.
i guess it was just the shock of everything.
the tiring race that doesn't seem to end.
i thought i was strong when i first started out.
i thought i had papa's perseverance, pride and responsibility.
i thought i was as disciplined as papa. that i was as determined.
let me think twice.
he wouldn't shrink away when his world crumbles.
he wouldn't run away and live in his own world.
he wouldn't stop running a marathon just cos it got tiring. oh wait, did i even start running?
and well, i just have to do this for him. for mummy.
i just hope its not too late.

it can get so tiring after awhile.
the demanding system.
amidst it all, i struggle to see the beauty of life. of living.
in the little everyday moments.
the little encouragements God places in my pathways.
i feel so blessed when i think of my friends.
my wonderful crazy family. including CALEB LOH. blah.

dinner with my extended family was great.
sat in between charles and zheng yi.
stupid shu min didn't come cos she thought i wasn't there and cos she was working.
and bel ps-ed me too! to study. ): (i feel guilty)
i felt kinda sad eating the sharks fun so i gave it to daddy.
i keep imagining them at e bottom of e sea.
whatever. they eat humans too. so its tit-for-tat. BOOO.
i love my family. had fun talking to ZY. and had fun irritating charles.
hahaha. charles, i am faster than you.
i gave 2 mushrooms to charles cos he was too slow to grab it. (the whole table love mushrooms)
jeremy, i am NICE. hahaha.

rah and bea can clique.
its scary. they bullied me! BOO.
and she bit me. i scrubbed my skin so hard after that. hahahaha.
and they tried to bake bread.
hahahaha. rah tried helping bea. i pity bea.
and e bread. but it turned out quite nice, except that bea claims rah put too much water. hahahaha. typical.

tomorrow will be a new day.
where i have to put on a strong happy face for e world again.

i shall end this VERY VERY x INFINITY long post here.

even in laughter the heart may sorrow- proverbs 14:13

love, bern