i finally let reality sink in after 2 days.
never thought i feel so shitty.
was stil smiling happily yesterday and making jokes on the day itself.
about kissing strangers and running naked.
if only i really were happy.
i tried not thinking about it for the past 2 days.
and today i jsut couldnt help it cos i saw him.
i was still dealing okay.
but seeing him at lunch reminded me of the past where he would sit with us.
and then i started zooming back into the past. and am stil staying there.
i cant bear thinking of him all settled down and married.
and i know its wrong to keep thinking. cos i dont wanna make char and char worried.
that'd be selfish.
as charlene put it just now, she doesnt wanna see me fall into that hole again.
i felt so bad when my eyes started watering in front of her cos i didnt wanna make her feel bad.
but i couldnt help it.
i hope i recuperate soon enough.
but i know even if i can busy myself enough not to think and mull over it, one day, when the business fades away, then the ugly truth would be shoved right into my face again.
wasnt it like that last year.
pretending to have forgotten. finding as many crushses as i could. but knowing deep inside that i hadnt moved on.
going backk to prss every week is like a blade in my heart.
cos i wish so much for those days again when i could cheerfully talk about him. not knowing things would get so serious. and where i didnt need to worry about school?
i really hate life as it is right now. tho i know i have much to be thankful for.
but somehow my negative side gets in the way.
i regret so much for playing my life away last year. one costly mistake that im paying for.
i miss gera so much. and cedric with his lame jokes. gilian with her sweetness and dreaminess. hui cheng with her colourful love stories so very like a tv drama. and adrian with his bald head. hahaha. oh well. there's no use looking back i see now.
im feeling so empty. and i hate waking up every morning with an ache in my heart.
this is really tearing me apart. help me Lord i beg of you. i admit defeat.
my eyes are sore. and tired.

the knowledge of what can never be burns