whale. again.

saw him in church. u know i had this really wierd feeling stopping me from going to church at first. but i figured that God was more impt. turns out its my body instinct. cos i know i definitely cant afford to see him. and then smack. i saw him. thanks so much. i dont even know how to describe how i felt. cos its been months. almost a year since i last saw him or really talked to him. and it was just stunning to see him. shocking. pain. and i just turned and walked towards the lift. and i dont know why but that day, the bloody lift took so bloody long to come down. and then he saw me and of course i had to smile. i cant just be rude and walk off or ignore him can i. and just like that my whole bloody day was spoiled. fuck. i almost cried in service. and i cant believe im stil so affected even after so long. its not like we really had much. well, it was a lot to me. and he's e first guy i ever cried over. not a lot. but stil. i dont normally cry over such lame things. yeah. and i dont know la. but up til now im stil affected. very. and i dont know what to do. cos this cant continue. i dont even like him anymore. and i dont know when it happened, but i know that i dont dare like pple anymore thanks to him. charlene thinks i shld talk to him about everything. i rather starve myself. its gonna be so painful. ah ya. i dont know larh. i feel so horrid. i dont know how to express all this in words. but now, we're like two strangers. and amazingly, it stil hurts. and i think i need to get away asap. i dont believe he can stil affect me so much. my mood's been swinging like a yoyo since sunday. fuck it all. this sucks. life ultimately sucks except for the occasional glimpses of happiness.
and what about my future. im trusting HIM with this. whichever way or path he wants me to be, no matter how hard, i will oblige. cos i know He wants the best for me. and i want only the best for my life although i know i alr made many mistakes. sigh. and if i have to R, i will. i know He'l be there for me every step of the hard way, and that in itself is a comfort. so yups. im trusting u Lord-

sigh, love bern-

a pain in my heart where u used to be.