sigh.

malaysia was kinda boring. but relaxing too. but as usual, i totally dislike shopping there, so nothing much. i miss u mad and sab! sorry never contact your for so long! been very busy with stuff. sigh. meet up soon k. cant wait :)


to go or not to go. not that i have any more choice. its too late i guess. sigh. a part of me wants to go. but another part, the protective part doesnt. and if i stil had the choice, i think i would have chosen to go. never mind the pain and hurts. there's just this sudden deep longing to see him once again and talk to him. at times i wish things between us could have gone back to normal. but then i dont think i can take it. i dont think anybody will understand why he affects me so much. tho its been so long and im stil down here thinking. sigh. ever since bea came back, i felt as if my whole world has turned upside down. or rather, ever since seeing him that day. ahh. this is madness. i dream of him and everything i see reminds me about him. just a single word about him can spoil my whole day. and my mum even talked to me about him. i teared okay while she was talking about him. so lame. cant believe myself. im like turning into this emotional mess. bea cried cos of some stuff just now and cos i saw her crying, i almost cried too. isnt it crazy huh. for someone who doesnt really cry. its turning pathetic. ten years from now, i would probably be laughing at myself. but sigh, this is now, not in ten years. my whole world is tilting and tilting and the thing is im all alone. im feeling so so horrid and tired and sad and emotional and just terrible. at first i thought it was my period but its been ard 2 weeks so cant be. i suddenly miss SL. that is just mad cos i know i stil do not like it. the people. everything. but i jsut have this sudden longing to talk to charity and rachel and jonah and even brother sam and josiah and andrew and cheney. i have this sudden urge to go for the camp so that i can see all this people. but i cant. i know i cant. cos i cant go back. not to SL. and not for the camp. cos there's him. and its gonna hurt somehow. i dont even know why. fuck. i hate this. so depressing. and this four days of camp are gonna be so depressing. knowing that everyone's there enjoying themselves. and i jsut feel horrid. and ya. everything is just wrong. everything was and is a mistake from the start. and somehow i stil dont learn from my mistakes. and now, somehow, i find myself falling again. this time, im falling for a complete stranger. not the one i once knew.
hold my hand when im scared-
catch me when i fall-
i wish.
everythins's going wrong horribly wrong.