i never expected that sharp jolt of pain after seeing him.
half thought i was way over will. oh well. i guess it takes time.
cant expect much right?
skipped SL. have been skipping it lately. always dont feel well after cell.
my tutor's forcing me to go to the doctor. she said im always sick ):
bleagh.
i miss mad and sab. i havent seen them for i think one week!
its wierd cos we used to meet everyday.
guess things are different this year thanks to my stupid exam.
had a terrible dream about meridian last night.
sigh.
went shopping with lene on thurs. or shall i say window shopping.
i've finished all my allowance. i had to go dig out coins u know?
beyond pathetic. and i brought out a doggy coin purse which was really cute!
wei gave it to me. plus have a lot of coins inside. mummy said he got the coins from us.
so i shall just pretend its my money. thats the extent of how poor i am.
mummmy's stil refusing to give me money. i guess she's serious about my spending.
so sad. but i have been purposely hanging around at home in the hope that she gives up.
cos i know she hates to cook but i puposely make her prepare 3 meals for me. she's getting irritated. YAY.
daddy has been calling me a spoilt brat. i got so angry with him.
how can a parent call their child spoilt! so irritating right.
since he wanna call me spoilt i shall refuse to vacuum the upstairs.
then he can see who's spoilt. i dont even force him to fetch me around anymore!
except if im going out at ten plus at night then no choice right.
im totally not walking thru the park after ten.
esp after my ghostly encounter with that woman. i was so freaked out.
mad and sab, shall tell your about it tmr i think? if we go band that is.
that day lene and i went carl's jr then we tried making our own drink.
called the tingling effect. hahaha. we mixed all the drinks together with lemon slices.
its surprisingly nice tho the colour sucks. its zesty and sour-y and sweet all at once.
then charlene went to refill our drink. and cos she was mixing everything.
a man called her crazy! hahahahaha. he said it in hokkien to his gf.
then charlene glared at him. hahhaas. so funny. i nearly died laughing tho i know its not funny.
meeting char later in the night. yups. her band ends late.
i helped her with some stuff. charity please educate your FRIENDS on how my name is spelt.
its b-e-r-n-i-c-e. not benice. eww. hahahaha. i got so irritated. and the english too please.
i wanna buy escada island kiss. or pacific paradise.
mummy agreed to buy it cos i told her she can use it. hahahaha.
wait til she uses it. she'l just hit me.
its definitely just for teenagers. never mind. when i have money. i'l buy sth nice for her.
that is when la. i dotn know when the day will come.
cos charlene and i calculated our monetary needs(we made a shopping list) and it amounted to
TWO THOUSAND
and we agreed it must not come from our banks or parents.
so in other words, two thousand is a huge sum. i was telling her, even if we dont eat
we have to wait around 6 months.
poor us. but the shades definitely have to come from mummy. cos she's the one who put the idea into me. that i need shades. and she said i can get it from guess.
this time im writing it down. if not wait she cheat me again. like my crumpler ):
that was so evil of her. im stil having to survive on around twenty a week.
but im digging coins from everywhere around the house. hahahaha.
so smart right. and i told her for my birthday i want a ring and earrings from tiff.
she's getting exasperated. i can see that.
but i reminded her about my lousy sixteenth birthday so she kept quiet.
shall take is as a yes. sigh.
im getting superficial and materialistic i know. so i guess what will said about me is true.
but im just taking my mind off reality that i know is gonna hit me anytime.
for now i just donnt wanna float back into that bottomless pit thats just waiting to swallow.
its wrong i know. but i guess when u're that desperate to forget and let go, anythings possible.
my life's now just an empty shell.
all that i want and yearn for has slipped thru my fingers. all thanks to me.
all im left with is the superficality of the world. i just have to accept that.
xavier, sorry didnt visit you! will visit soon i hope.

now all thats left of me is what i pretend to be so together but so broken up inside