wondering.

sometimes, i just wonder what happened. i wonder how can two people who once shared so much end up like this. like two strangers. i know its looney to think of him again. but i cant help it this few days. thanks to all the speedlight talk. i wonder how can two people end up like this. so disconnected. so distant. detached is the word. sometimes, i wonder how's his life and what he's up to. i wonder whether he ever realises e damage he did. i wonder if he even remembers anything. it all seems like a lifetime ago. a life where there were no worries, no tired-ness, no heartaches. i wonder so much whether he's okay. i wonder whether he stil likes the same stuff. chicken rice, tea with milk, guitar, drums, his crumpler, the sea. when i look at those NS men, i wonder how he was in e army. but then, i do know how he was in e army cos he used to msg me so much. when i walk home alone, i wonder what happened. i look up at the stars and i think and think. whenever i hear those drum beats, i wonder again. wondering and wondering. never ending flow of thoughts. where is he. what he's doing. it all seems too unreal. but yet i stil have e messages, and i know everything happened. i look at jeans and i think of him. i look at an esprit shirt and i think. i go to starbucks and i think again. i see nike and i think even more. thinking about e state i'm in now regarding my JC life, it'l be little surprise if he laughs at me. after all, he did warn me. he told me to study hard, not to slack, he told me didn't he. i tried to listen. i sit by the sea, and i think. i look at quiksilver and i think again. im constantly thinking and wondering. i cant stand it. sigh. i dont understand how two people can become strangers. two people who constantly talked, ending up like this. it makes me not want to make any friends. not want to fall in love for fear it might happen again. and up til now, its been almost a year. and i havent found anyone to replace that hole. it doesnt hurt but i guess memories can never be erased can it. e first person i really liked. e one who taught me so much. always giving, never taking. that person. i guess i really need to forget all this. put the past behind. and i wil try to. cos i know i can never fully forget. not ever.

bern-